🌱 GreyRocked

The therapist kit

Printable pages for clients who have a hard family member: what the move is called, whether to ignore it, wait or reply, and short calm replies to choose from.

What is inside

When not to use this (for you) (1 page)
How to use this kit (for you) (1 page)
A leaflet for your client (1 page)
My plan (worksheet) (1 page)
When they talk about not being around (safety sheet) (1 page)
21 situation sheets (21 pages)
Comeback cards in 10 worldviews (16 pages)
Practice cards (4 pages)

You may copy these pages

Print and hand out as many copies as you like to your own clients and groups. Please don't resell them or post them publicly.

Free while we test it

This kit is free while the first therapists try it. In return we'd like honest notes: what you used, what you'd change, what a client stumbled on. How to send them: greyrocked.com/therapists.

What we can and can't say

As of October 2026 we have not found clinical studies behind the grey rock method. We are not telling you it works.
Read "When not to use this" (next page) first. With domestic violence, coercive control or a custody case, these pages are not the right tool on their own.
This kit is not therapy, not medical advice, and not a crisis service. Whether to use it with a client is your professional judgment.
Every reply here is the same wording the free app gives (GreyRocked v4.9.0), so what a client sees on paper matches what they see on their phone.

In the US: call, text or chat 988, any time. In danger right now: call 911. Outside the US: findahelpline.com.

For you: read before handing anything out

When not to use this

Grey rock and short replies are for someone who is hurtful. They are not a safety plan for someone who is dangerous.

Domestic violence or coercive control

If the client lives with this person, depends on them, or has been hit, threatened, stalked or controlled, going quiet or sending a firm line can raise the risk. Safety planning comes first, with a specialist.

US National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788 (thehotline.org). In the US: call, text or chat 988, any time. In danger right now: call 911. Outside the US: findahelpline.com.

Custody, visitation or a court case

Anything the client writes may be read in court. Before they reply, or go quiet, they should talk to their lawyer.

Records

If things may escalate, clients should keep copies of messages, with dates. Going quiet is not the same as deleting.

Self-harm or "not being around"

Use the safety sheet. It is never treated as a tactic or answered with silence.

GreyRocked therapist kit. These pages are not therapy, not medical advice, and not a crisis service. In the US: call, text or chat 988, any time. In danger right now: call 911. Outside the US: findahelpline.com.

For you

How to use this kit

Who it is for

Adults dealing with a hard parent, sibling, in-law or grown child: guilt trips, fake apologies, ultimatums, the silent treatment. It also covers parents of hard adult children.

In a session (about 10 minutes per situation)

Find the situation. Ask what they last received, and pick the matching sheet. Each sheet names the move in plain words.
Pick a way of dealing with this person. No contact, Keep it boring, Short and firm, Polite but distant, Careful kindness, or Open heart (the same six as the app and the "My plan" sheet). The sheet's table says whether to ignore it, wait or reply for that choice.
Choose a reply, or none. Three short ones per sheet. Many clients find "stay quiet" is the answer they needed permission for.
Practice it. Use a practice card: you read their line, the client answers out loud.
Write a plan. The "My plan" sheet: two lines, decided now, so they don't have to decide in the moment.

Whose side the lines speak from

Like the app, every line is written from the client's side and takes their account as given. You haven't assessed the situation yet when you hand a sheet over, so choose which sheets and lines fit this client.

Worldviews

The comeback cards answer the same line in 10 voices. A religious client does not have to take secular advice, and the other way round. Pick the voice that fits:

Protect me first: My peace comes first. Distance is safety, not cruelty. (Sprout's original way.)
Faith & grace: Forgive in my heart — but trust must be re-earned by changed behavior. Peace-making is not peace-faking.
Shunned, not estranged: They were told to stop speaking to me. I did not leave them.
Peace & letting go: Their words are weather. I answer from stillness or not at all. What I feed, grows.
Repair when possible: Boundaries aren't walls — they're the conditions for coming closer. Hope, with open eyes.
Truth & teshuvah: Forgiveness follows real repentance — named wrongs, changed behavior. Peace built on pretending isn't peace.
Patience & kinship: Patience is not surrender. A thin thread of kinship can stay — without opening the door to harm.
The calm fortress: Their words are outside my control; my response is mine. The insult belongs to whoever threw it.
Courtesy without surrender: Honor the form — politeness, presence, respect — without handing over your inner self.
Dignity & evidence: Everyone deserves dignity — including me. Judge by patterns of behavior, not promises or blood.

Between sessions

The free app at greyrocked.com does the same thing on their phone. No account, no sign-up; what they save stays on their device. Hand them the client leaflet.

GreyRocked therapist kit. These pages are not therapy, not medical advice, and not a crisis service. In the US: call, text or chat 988, any time. In danger right now: call 911. Outside the US: findahelpline.com.

For your client

GreyRocked: a free app for hard family

For when a message from a hard family member arrives and you don't know what to do with it.

What it does

You tap what happened (a guilt trip, a fake apology, "come to the family thing").
It names the move in plain words, says whether to ignore it, wait or reply, and offers short calm replies.
"My plan" keeps your two-line plan for each person. "Practice" lets you rehearse.

What it keeps

Nothing on our side. No account, no email, no sign-up. What you save stays on your own phone. There is a passcode, a quick "Leave" button, and an "erase everything" button.

How to open it

greyrocked.com/app

Add it to your home screen if you like. The tap-button answers work with the internet off.

What it isn't

It is a friend, not a therapist. Not therapy, not medical advice, not a crisis service.

If you or someone else is in danger: In the US: call, text or chat 988, any time. In danger right now: call 911. Outside the US: findahelpline.com.

Notes from your session:

Worksheet

My plan for a hard person

Two lines, in your own words, decided now, so you don't have to decide then.

Keep this page somewhere only you will see it.

Who this is about (a nickname or initials is plenty):

My way with them is... (circle one)

No contact · Keep it boring · Short and firm · Polite, but distant · Careful kindness · Open heart

With them, I will...

(for example: stay polite, keep it short, leave by 7)

I won't...

(for example: explain myself, laugh at the jokes, talk about money)

When they ____________________, my reply is:

GreyRocked therapist kit. These pages are not therapy, not medical advice, and not a crisis service. In the US: call, text or chat 988, any time. In danger right now: call 911. Outside the US: findahelpline.com.

Safety sheet: use this one first

They said something about not being around

Or about hurting themselves.

Their safety comes first. This is not treated as a tactic here, and it is never answered with "ignore it". It can be pressure, and it can also be a real warning; you can't always tell which. In the US: call, text or chat 988, any time. In danger right now: call 911. Outside the US: findahelpline.com.

If the client wants to reply

ReplyI care about you, and I want you to be safe. I'm going to make sure someone checks on you.

That is the reply the app offers here. Getting someone to check on them is a real step the client can take without opening the rest of the argument.

For you, on "someone checks on you": help the client choose who first. A relative, friend or neighbour they trust is usually the gentlest start. A crisis line (988 in the US) can advise on the next step. A police welfare check is the biggest step and carries its own risks; decide it with the client, and use 911 when there is immediate danger.

If it came with a request

This can be a pressure line, and it can also be a real warning sign. You can't always tell which. If you think they might hurt themselves, check on their safety first (see above). Setting a limit on the request and caring about them are not opposites.

ReplyI care about you, and I want you to be safe. I'm going to make sure someone checks on you. About this request, I need to hold my answer.

If the client is the one not safe

The same numbers are for them too. In the US: call, text or chat 988, any time. In danger right now: call 911. Outside the US: findahelpline.com.

GreyRocked therapist kit. These pages are not therapy, not medical advice, and not a crisis service. In the US: call, text or chat 988, any time. In danger right now: call 911. Outside the US: findahelpline.com.

Situation 1 of 21

Guilt trip

Trying to make me feel bad so I do what they want ("after all I've done for you…")

What is going on

Guilt trip. A message like this leans on guilt, so saying no starts to feel like owing them. You can still decide for yourself.

A guilt trip is a rope — it only works if you grab it.

Ignore, wait or reply?

It depends on the way the client has chosen to deal with this person:

No contact	Stay quiet.
Keep it boring / short and firm	Stay quiet. It runs on a reaction; give it none.
Polite, careful or open	Wait. Sleep on it; if it still needs an answer tomorrow, use a short one.

If your client replies, three short ones

BoringI hear you.

FirmI'm not going to be guilted into this. My answer hasn't changed.

KindI care about you, and I'm still saying no to this. Both things are true.

You can be grateful for what someone gave you and still say no. Both are allowed.

GreyRocked therapist kit. These pages are not therapy, not medical advice, and not a crisis service. In the US: call, text or chat 988, any time. In danger right now: call 911. Outside the US: findahelpline.com.

Situation 2 of 21

Playing the victim

Acting like I hurt them, when they hurt me

What is going on

Playing the victim. A message like this flips the story so you look like the mean one. Being cast that way doesn't make it true.

You can take their hurt seriously without taking the blame.

Ignore, wait or reply?

It depends on the way the client has chosen to deal with this person:

No contact	Stay quiet.
Keep it boring / short and firm	Stay quiet. It runs on a reaction; give it none.
Polite, careful or open	Wait. Sleep on it; if it still needs an answer tomorrow, use a short one.

If your client replies, three short ones

BoringNoted.

FirmI'm not the villain in this story, and I'm not debating it.

KindI don't think either of us wants a fight. But I won't accept being blamed for this.

Someone acting hurt doesn't make you the one who did the hurting.

GreyRocked therapist kit. These pages are not therapy, not medical advice, and not a crisis service. In the US: call, text or chat 988, any time. In danger right now: call 911. Outside the US: findahelpline.com.

Situation 3 of 21

"This is my last attempt"

An ultimatum or deadline to push me to answer

Check this first. "Last" can be pressure, and it can also be a real warning. If you think they might hurt themselves, check on their safety before anything else. In the US: call, text or chat 988, any time. In danger right now: call 911. Outside the US: findahelpline.com.

FirstI care about you, and I want you to be safe. I'm going to make sure someone checks on you.

What is going on

Deadline pressure. A "now or never" can be a way to rush you. You can still take your time to answer.

A deadline can be pressure. "Last" can also be a real warning. You can't always tell which.

Ignore, wait or reply?

It depends on the way the client has chosen to deal with this person:

Whatever way they have chosen, no contact too	Their safety comes before any answer. The rest can come later, once you know they're okay.

Once they are safe, about the deadline

BoringNoted.

FirmDeadlines don't work on me. If and when I'm ready, I'll reach out.

KindI'm not ready yet, and pressure moves me further away, not closer.

You are allowed to take your time. Rushing you is the trick.

GreyRocked therapist kit. These pages are not therapy, not medical advice, and not a crisis service. In the US: call, text or chat 988, any time. In danger right now: call 911. Outside the US: findahelpline.com.

Situation 4 of 21

They want money

Asking for money, or bringing up money they gave me

What is going on

Money pressure. Money asks can come with strings tied on. You can answer the ask without taking on the strings.

This is a real ask, so it deserves a real answer — a short one.

Ignore, wait or reply?

It depends on the way the client has chosen to deal with this person:

No contact	Stay quiet. Nothing here changes that choice.
Any other way	Reply, short. A short, calm answer closes it.

If your client replies, three short ones

BoringI can't.

FirmNo. I'm not lending or giving money.

KindI can't do money — it hurts us more than it helps. If there's another way to support you, tell me.

If it is your grown son or daughter: A money ask from your own grown child pulls hard on the parent in you. Loving them and saying no to money can both be true.

KindI love you. I'm not able to help with money this time.

FirmI love you, and my answer on money is no.

"No" is a complete sentence. Even about money. Especially about money.

GreyRocked therapist kit. These pages are not therapy, not medical advice, and not a crisis service. In the US: call, text or chat 988, any time. In danger right now: call 911. Outside the US: findahelpline.com.

Situation 5 of 21

Come to the family thing

Pressure to show up at a holiday, wedding, funeral, or gathering

What is going on

Obligation pressure. "Family" can sound like a rule you must obey. It can also be a place you feel safe, and you get to decide what you owe.

An invite is a question, not a court order.

Ignore, wait or reply?

It depends on the way the client has chosen to deal with this person:

No contact	Stay quiet. Nothing here changes that choice.
Any other way	Reply, short. A short, calm answer closes it.

If your client replies, three short ones

BoringI can't make it.

FirmI'm not coming, and I won't be discussing why.

KindI'm not up for this one. I need you to let that be okay.

You're allowed to skip a table where you get served hurt.

GreyRocked therapist kit. These pages are not therapy, not medical advice, and not a crisis service. In the US: call, text or chat 988, any time. In danger right now: call 911. Outside the US: findahelpline.com.

Situation 6 of 21

Fake apology

"Sorry you feel that way" — an apology that blames me

What is going on

Blame-shifting apology. "Sorry you feel that way" blames your feelings instead of their actions.

A real apology names what they did. This one didn't.

Ignore, wait or reply?

It depends on the way the client has chosen to deal with this person:

No contact	Stay quiet.
Keep it boring / short and firm	Stay quiet. It runs on a reaction; give it none.
Polite, careful or open	Wait. Sleep on it; if it still needs an answer tomorrow, use a short one.

If your client replies, three short ones

BoringNoted.

FirmAn apology that blames me isn't one. I'll talk when there's a real one.

KindI want to accept an apology — a real one, that names what happened. This wasn't that yet.

You know what a real "sorry" feels like. You don't have to accept a fake one — or argue about it.

GreyRocked therapist kit. These pages are not therapy, not medical advice, and not a crisis service. In the US: call, text or chat 988, any time. In danger right now: call 911. Outside the US: findahelpline.com.

Situation 7 of 21

Acting like nothing happened

Being sweet again after being awful, with no apology

What is going on

Sweep-it-under. Being sweet again without an apology asks you to erase what happened. You don't have to.

Niceness is not the same as repair.

Ignore, wait or reply?

It depends on the way the client has chosen to deal with this person:

No contact	Stay quiet.
Keep it boring / short and firm	Stay quiet. It runs on a reaction; give it none.
Polite, careful or open	Wait. Sleep on it; if it still needs an answer tomorrow, use a short one.

If your client replies, three short ones

BoringHi.

FirmWe haven't dealt with what happened. I'm not going to pretend we did.

KindI'm glad things feel calmer. I still need us to talk about what happened before things go back to normal.

Peace that requires your silence isn't peace.

GreyRocked therapist kit. These pages are not therapy, not medical advice, and not a crisis service. In the US: call, text or chat 988, any time. In danger right now: call 911. Outside the US: findahelpline.com.

Situation 8 of 21

Talking about me to others

Spreading their side of the story, turning family against me

What is going on

Recruiting sides. Telling their version to other people can leave you feeling outnumbered.

A story told behind your back isn't a conversation you owe anyone.

Ignore, wait or reply?

It depends on the way the client has chosen to deal with this person:

No contact	Stay quiet.
Keep it boring / short and firm	Stay quiet. It runs on a reaction; give it none.
Polite, careful or open	Wait. Sleep on it; if it still needs an answer tomorrow, use a short one.

If your client replies, three short ones

BoringI'd rather not get into it.

FirmIf they have something to say to me, they can say it to me. I won't argue through relatives.

KindIt hurts to hear things secondhand. If you want to talk, talk to me directly.

The people who really know you don't need convincing. The rest were never your judges.

GreyRocked therapist kit. These pages are not therapy, not medical advice, and not a crisis service. In the US: call, text or chat 988, any time. In danger right now: call 911. Outside the US: findahelpline.com.

Situation 9 of 21

Message through someone else

Using another family member to reach me

What is going on

Messenger move. A message carried by someone else still lands on your fence. The fence still counts.

You can be kind to the messenger and still return the package.

Ignore, wait or reply?

It depends on the way the client has chosen to deal with this person:

No contact	Stay quiet. Nothing here changes that choice.
Any other way	Reply, short. A short, calm answer closes it.

If your client replies, three short ones

BoringI'd rather not get into it.

FirmPlease stop passing messages. If I want contact, it will be direct — and my answer hasn't changed.

KindI know you're trying to help, and I appreciate you. Please don't be the middleman — that's between me and them.

A boundary delivered through a side door is still a boundary worth keeping.

GreyRocked therapist kit. These pages are not therapy, not medical advice, and not a crisis service. In the US: call, text or chat 988, any time. In danger right now: call 911. Outside the US: findahelpline.com.

Situation 10 of 21

"You always help my brother or sister"

Saying I treat them as less than their brother or sister

What is going on

Comparison to a sibling. Being compared to a brother or sister can sting, and it can also pull a talk toward blame. You can answer the feeling without defending every past choice.

Feeling left out is worth a kind answer, and a short one is enough.

Ignore, wait or reply?

It depends on the way the client has chosen to deal with this person:

No contact	Stay quiet. Nothing here changes that choice.
Any other way	Reply, short. A short, calm answer closes it.

If your client replies, three short ones

BoringI hear you.

FirmI won't compare people. I'd like to hear how you feel.

KindIt sounds like this hurts. I'm glad to talk about it.

If it is your grown son or daughter: When a grown child says you help a brother or sister more, it may come from a real hurt. You can listen to it without reopening any decision.

FirmI'm not keeping score between you and your brother or sister. I'd like to hear how you feel.

OpenI love you both. I'd like to hear what has felt unfair to you.

You can hear the hurt without defending every past choice.

GreyRocked therapist kit. These pages are not therapy, not medical advice, and not a crisis service. In the US: call, text or chat 988, any time. In danger right now: call 911. Outside the US: findahelpline.com.

Situation 11 of 21

"You're tearing the family apart"

Blaming me for the distance that their behavior caused

What is going on

Blame reversal. Being told the distance is your doing is a way of turning the blame around, and you get to see it for what it is.

Naming a fire is not the same as starting one.

Ignore, wait or reply?

It depends on the way the client has chosen to deal with this person:

No contact	Stay quiet.
Keep it boring / short and firm	Stay quiet. It runs on a reaction; give it none.
Polite, careful or open	Wait. Sleep on it; if it still needs an answer tomorrow, use a short one.

If your client replies, three short ones

BoringI see it differently.

FirmI didn't break this. I stopped pretending it wasn't broken.

KindI'm not trying to hurt the family. I'm trying to stay healthy inside it. Those aren't the same thing.

Protecting yourself is not an attack on anyone.

GreyRocked therapist kit. These pages are not therapy, not medical advice, and not a crisis service. In the US: call, text or chat 988, any time. In danger right now: call 911. Outside the US: findahelpline.com.

Situation 12 of 21

Rewriting the past

Insisting things happened differently than they did

What is going on

Rewriting history. Being told it happened differently can make you doubt your own memory. You were there, and your memory counts.

You were there. You don't need their agreement for your memories to be real.

Ignore, wait or reply?

It depends on the way the client has chosen to deal with this person:

No contact	Stay quiet.
Keep it boring / short and firm	Stay quiet. It runs on a reaction; give it none.
Polite, careful or open	Wait. Sleep on it; if it still needs an answer tomorrow, use a short one.

If your client replies, three short ones

BoringWe remember it differently.

FirmI was there. I know what happened. I'm not debating my own memory.

KindWe remember this really differently, and I can't pretend my memory away.

You are not confused. You are not making it up. You remember.

GreyRocked therapist kit. These pages are not therapy, not medical advice, and not a crisis service. In the US: call, text or chat 988, any time. In danger right now: call 911. Outside the US: findahelpline.com.

Situation 13 of 21

Silent treatment

Ignoring me to punish me

What is going on

Punishing silence. Quiet like this can pull you into chasing them. You don't have to chase.

Their silence is a door they closed — you don't have to knock forever.

Ignore, wait or reply?

It depends on the way the client has chosen to deal with this person:

No contact	Stay quiet.
Keep it boring / short and firm	Stay quiet. It runs on a reaction; give it none.
Polite, careful or open	Wait. Sleep on it; if it still needs an answer tomorrow, use a short one.

If your client replies, three short ones

Boring: Say nothing. With silent treatment, quiet is the boring answer — you're already giving it.

FirmI notice the silence. I won't be chasing. When you want to talk, I'm reachable.

KindI can see you're upset. I'm not going to guess, but I'm here when you want to tell me.

Let quiet be quiet. You did nothing wrong by not chasing.

GreyRocked therapist kit. These pages are not therapy, not medical advice, and not a crisis service. In the US: call, text or chat 988, any time. In danger right now: call 911. Outside the US: findahelpline.com.

Situation 14 of 21

Sudden emergency

A crisis (real or not) that means I must respond right now

What is going on

Urgency pressure. Maybe it's real, maybe it's a lever. You can check the facts before you jump.

Asking what exactly is happening is a fair thing to do, and it helps you decide what to do next.

Ignore, wait or reply?

It depends on the way the client has chosen to deal with this person:

No contact	Wait. Check on it from the side, through someone you trust. If someone may be in real danger, call 911.
Any other way	Ask for specifics before doing anything. If someone may be in real danger, call 911.

If your client replies, three short ones

BoringWhat exactly is needed, and by when?

FirmTell me the specifics, and I'll decide what I can do.

KindI want to make sure everyone's safe. Tell me exactly what's happening.

Caring about safety doesn't mean handing over your whole self.

GreyRocked therapist kit. These pages are not therapy, not medical advice, and not a crisis service. In the US: call, text or chat 988, any time. In danger right now: call 911. Outside the US: findahelpline.com.

Situation 15 of 21

Money or inheritance fight

The estate, the will, who got what, who "deserves" what

What is going on

Money as power. Money and "fairness" can turn into a way to control or punish. Often it isn't really about the amount.

Estate fights are grief wearing money's clothes. You can refuse the fight without giving up what's yours.

Ignore, wait or reply?

It depends on the way the client has chosen to deal with this person:

No contact	Stay quiet. Nothing here changes that choice.
Any other way	Reply, short. A short, calm answer closes it.

If your client replies, three short ones

BoringNoted.

FirmI won't argue about this. Anything about money or the estate goes through writing — or through the executor or a lawyer.

KindI don't want money to cost us each other. Let's keep the money part in writing and keep it out of our relationship.

What they gave you or didn't give you was never the measure of your worth.

GreyRocked therapist kit. These pages are not therapy, not medical advice, and not a crisis service. In the US: call, text or chat 988, any time. In danger right now: call 911. Outside the US: findahelpline.com.

Situation 16 of 21

Using the kids as leverage

Access to children being used to pressure me

What is going on

Kids as bargaining chips. Tying the children to what you do pulls on your strings. That's pressure, and you can name it.

Children shouldn't be the price of anything. You can keep them out of the bargaining.

Ignore, wait or reply?

It depends on the way the client has chosen to deal with this person:

No contact	Stay quiet.
Keep it boring / short and firm	Stay quiet. It runs on a reaction; give it none.
Polite, careful or open	Wait. Sleep on it; if it still needs an answer tomorrow, use a short one.

If your client replies, three short ones

BoringThat's not up for discussion.

FirmThe kids are not leverage. Decisions about them don't get made through pressure.

KindI want the kids to have good relationships — built on safety, not pressure. Pressure moves us backward, not forward.

If custody or visitation is involved, the client should talk to a family lawyer before replying or going quiet. What they write may be read in court.

Protecting kids from the game isn't keeping them from family. It's the opposite.

GreyRocked therapist kit. These pages are not therapy, not medical advice, and not a crisis service. In the US: call, text or chat 988, any time. In danger right now: call 911. Outside the US: findahelpline.com.

Situation 17 of 21

"You have to take care of them"

Being volunteered for caregiving by guilt

What is going on

The duty draft. You're being volunteered for caregiving by guilt — as if your life were the family's spare part.

Care is real work and a real choice. Guilt is not a care plan.

Ignore, wait or reply?

It depends on the way the client has chosen to deal with this person:

No contact	Stay quiet. Nothing here changes that choice.
Any other way	Reply, short. A short, calm answer closes it.

If your client replies, three short ones

BoringI'm not able to do that.

FirmI won't be guilted into caregiving. I'll tell you what I can actually do — and that's what I can do.

KindI do care about what happens to them. What I can honestly give is limited, and I'd rather give it truthfully than promise something that breaks me.

You can love someone and still not be their plan. Especially someone who hurt you.

GreyRocked therapist kit. These pages are not therapy, not medical advice, and not a crisis service. In the US: call, text or chat 988, any time. In danger right now: call 911. Outside the US: findahelpline.com.

Situation 18 of 21

Asking for help because of addiction

Money or rescue asks driven by their addiction

What is going on

Crisis on repeat. Addiction makes every ask urgent and every no cruel. Helping the addiction is not helping the person.

With addiction, the kindest no is often the one that doesn't feed it.

Ignore, wait or reply?

It depends on the way the client has chosen to deal with this person:

No contact	Stay quiet. Nothing here changes that choice.
Any other way	Reply, short. A short, calm answer closes it.

If your client replies, three short ones

BoringNo, I can't.

FirmI won't give money. When you're ready for real help — treatment — I'll help you find it.

KindI love you too much to fund the thing that's hurting you. The day you want real help, I'm first in line.

Refusing to feed the fire is not abandoning the person standing in it.

GreyRocked therapist kit. These pages are not therapy, not medical advice, and not a crisis service. In the US: call, text or chat 988, any time. In danger right now: call 911. Outside the US: findahelpline.com.

Situation 19 of 21

"Just joking"

Put-downs dressed up as jokes, often in front of other people

What is going on

Joke as cover. A put-down with a laugh attached, so objecting makes you look like you can't take a joke.

If it were only a joke, it wouldn't need you to be the punchline.

Ignore, wait or reply?

It depends on the way the client has chosen to deal with this person:

No contact	Stay quiet.
Keep it boring / short and firm	Stay quiet. It runs on a reaction; give it none.
Polite, careful or open	Wait. Sleep on it; if it still needs an answer tomorrow, use a short one.

If your client replies, three short ones

BoringOkay.

FirmPlease don't make jokes about me. I'm asking once.

KindI know you mean it lightly. It doesn't land that way for me — can we skip those?

You're allowed not to laugh. A flat face is a complete answer.

GreyRocked therapist kit. These pages are not therapy, not medical advice, and not a crisis service. In the US: call, text or chat 988, any time. In danger right now: call 911. Outside the US: findahelpline.com.

Situation 20 of 21

Religious shame

Using God, scripture, or the congregation against me

What is going on

Borrowed authority. Bringing in God, scripture, or the congregation can make a demand sound holy and hard to question.

A demand doesn't become sacred because scripture got attached to it.

Ignore, wait or reply?

It depends on the way the client has chosen to deal with this person:

No contact	Stay quiet.
Keep it boring / short and firm	Stay quiet. It runs on a reaction; give it none.
Polite, careful or open	Wait. Sleep on it; if it still needs an answer tomorrow, use a short one.

If your client replies, three short ones

BoringI hear you.

FirmYou don't get to speak for God about my life. This topic is closed.

KindFaith matters to me too — and what I hear from it is different from what you're saying. Can we love each other from there?

If it produces shame and control, that's not the sacred part talking.

GreyRocked therapist kit. These pages are not therapy, not medical advice, and not a crisis service. In the US: call, text or chat 988, any time. In danger right now: call 911. Outside the US: findahelpline.com.

Situation 21 of 21

Rejecting who I am

Treating who I am — my identity, my partner, my life — as a problem to fix

What is going on

Conditional love. They're treating who you are as a problem to fix. You are not a problem.

You can't negotiate your own existence — so don't enter that negotiation.

Ignore, wait or reply?

It depends on the way the client has chosen to deal with this person:

No contact	Stay quiet.
Keep it boring / short and firm	Stay quiet. It runs on a reaction; give it none.
Polite, careful or open	Wait. Sleep on it; if it still needs an answer tomorrow, use a short one.

If your client replies, three short ones

BoringThis is who I am.

FirmWho I am isn't changing and isn't up for debate. If you want me in your life, this comes with me.

KindI want you in my life. And I need you to understand — this isn't a phase, and it isn't something you get a vote on. When you're ready to love all of me, I'm right here.

You are not too much, and you are not wrong. The people worth keeping never ask you to be smaller.

GreyRocked therapist kit. These pages are not therapy, not medical advice, and not a crisis service. In the US: call, text or chat 988, any time. In danger right now: call 911. Outside the US: findahelpline.com.

Comeback cards: cut along the dashes

They say: "After everything I've done for you."

The same moment answered in 10 different worldviews. The client keeps the one that sounds like them. Sources are the ones the app cites.

Protect me firstI'm grateful for what you did. It doesn't change my decision.

Faith & graceI'm grateful for what you did. I'm still saying no. Both are true.

Shunned, not estrangedI remember everything you did for me. That isn't what changed things.

Peace & letting goThank you. I'm not going to weigh it all up tonight.Akkosa Sutta (SN 7.2)

Repair when possibleI do remember it. I want us to be okay, and that starts with how you speak to me now.

Truth & teshuvahI'm grateful for it. Being owed and being wronged are separate accounts.Mishnah Yoma 8:9

Patience & kinshipI'm thankful, and I'm not moving on this.Qur'an 17:23-24

The calm fortressYou did those things. What I do now is still mine.Epictetus, Enchiridion 1

Courtesy without surrenderI'm grateful and I'll always say so. My answer hasn't changed.Classic of Filial Piety, ch. 15; Analects 4:18

Dignity & evidenceThen the ledger has two columns. I'm willing to look at both.

GreyRocked therapist kit. These pages are not therapy, not medical advice, and not a crisis service. In the US: call, text or chat 988, any time. In danger right now: call 911. Outside the US: findahelpline.com.

Comeback cards: cut along the dashes

They say: "Call me if you have the guts."

The same moment answered in 10 different worldviews. The client keeps the one that sounds like them. Sources are the ones the app cites.

Protect me firstI'll stick to writing.

Faith & graceThis isn't about courage. I'll keep this in writing, and I'll keep praying for us.

Shunned, not estrangedI'm not afraid to talk. I'd just like it to be a conversation, not a test.

Peace & letting goI'm not going to argue about who's brave. Writing works for me.Akkosa Sutta (SN 7.2)

Repair when possibleI'm glad to talk when we can do it calmly. That's the only condition.

Truth & teshuvahWhen there's something to put right, I'll talk. A dare isn't that.Maimonides, Hilchot Teshuvah 2:2

Patience & kinshipI'll keep speaking kindly to you. I'll keep it in writing for now.Qur'an 17:23-24

The calm fortressCall it what you like. I'll answer in writing.Epictetus, Enchiridion 1

Courtesy without surrenderI'll always answer you respectfully, and I'll do it in writing.Analects 4:18

Dignity & evidenceWriting keeps a clear record for both of us. That's how I'd like to do this.

GreyRocked therapist kit. These pages are not therapy, not medical advice, and not a crisis service. In the US: call, text or chat 988, any time. In danger right now: call 911. Outside the US: findahelpline.com.

Comeback cards: cut along the dashes

They say: "I'm sorry you feel that way. Can we move on now?"

The same moment answered in 10 different worldviews. The client keeps the one that sounds like them. Sources are the ones the app cites.

Protect me firstOkay. I'm going to leave it there.

Faith & graceThank you. What I need is for it to be different next time.Luke 17:3

Shunned, not estrangedI hear you. Has anything actually changed about the rule?

Peace & letting goI've heard it. I'm not going to keep turning it over.Sallatha Sutta (SN 36.6)

Repair when possibleThat's a start. The specific thing is how you speak to me in front of others.

Truth & teshuvahThat's the saying-it part. The rest is what happens the next time.Maimonides, Hilchot Teshuvah 2:1; Maimonides, Hilchot Teshuvah 2:2

Patience & kinshipI hear you. Words and conduct are two different things.Qur'an 17:23-24

The calm fortressI've heard you. What happens next time is what I'll go by.Epictetus, Enchiridion 1; Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 5.20

Courtesy without surrenderI hear you. I'll stay respectful, and I'm keeping to what I said.Analects 4:18; Classic of Filial Piety, ch. 15

Dignity & evidenceNoted. I'll judge by what happens the next time it comes up.

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Comeback cards: cut along the dashes

They say: "You always find money for my brother or sister. I guess I'm not worth it."

The same moment answered in 10 different worldviews. The client keeps the one that sounds like them. Sources are the ones the app cites.

Protect me firstI can hear that it feels unfair. It's still no on money from me.

Faith & graceI'm sorry it hurts to see it that way. I'll keep praying for you, and money is still a no.

Shunned, not estrangedYou're not less to me. Money is just not something I can give right now.

Peace & letting goI hear how that feels. I'd rather not keep score between you and your brother or sister.Akkosa Sutta (SN 7.2)

Repair when possibleI want to hear what has felt unequal. Money is still something I can't do right now.

Truth & teshuvahIf it has felt unequal, I'm willing to talk about that. It doesn't change what I can do with money.Mishnah Yoma 8:9

Patience & kinshipI'm sorry it feels that way. I'm saying no to the money, and not to you.

The calm fortressI understand how it looks to you. My choice about money is still mine to make.Epictetus, Enchiridion 1

Courtesy without surrenderI'm sorry it feels uneven to you. I'd like us to talk about it kindly, even though money is a no.Analects 4:18

Dignity & evidenceThat sounds like it hurts. Can we talk about what feels unequal, apart from the money?

GreyRocked therapist kit. These pages are not therapy, not medical advice, and not a crisis service. In the US: call, text or chat 988, any time. In danger right now: call 911. Outside the US: findahelpline.com.

Comeback cards: cut along the dashes

They say: "They're so upset they can't even talk to you."

The same moment answered in 10 different worldviews. The client keeps the one that sounds like them. Sources are the ones the app cites.

Protect me firstI'm sorry they're upset. They can talk to me themselves when they're ready.

Faith & graceI'm sorry they're hurting. I'm praying for them, and my answer is the same.

Shunned, not estrangedI'm sorry. I'd talk to them any time — that was never the part I stopped.

Peace & letting goI'm sorry they're upset. I wish them well.Sallatha Sutta (SN 36.6)

Repair when possibleI'd like to talk with them. Directly, and calmly — that's what would help.

Truth & teshuvahIf something's wrong between us, I'd rather hear it from them.Mishnah Yoma 8:9

Patience & kinshipPlease give them my greetings of peace. I hope they're well.

The calm fortressI'm sorry they feel that way. How they feel isn't something I can decide for them.Epictetus, Enchiridion 1

Courtesy without surrenderPlease tell them I send my respects. I hope we can speak when they're ready.Analects 4:18; Classic of Filial Piety, ch. 15

Dignity & evidenceIf they have something to say to me, I'd like to hear it from them.

GreyRocked therapist kit. These pages are not therapy, not medical advice, and not a crisis service. In the US: call, text or chat 988, any time. In danger right now: call 911. Outside the US: findahelpline.com.

Comeback cards: cut along the dashes

They say: "Honor your father and mother. That's a commandment. You don't get to pick and choose."

The same moment answered in 10 different worldviews. The client keeps the one that sounds like them. Sources are the ones the app cites.

Protect me firstHonor doesn't mean access. I'm not discussing this.

Faith & graceI do honor you. Honoring you doesn't mean I have to be in the room.Ephesians 6:1-4; Colossians 3:21

Shunned, not estrangedI never stopped honoring you. You were the one told to stop speaking to me.Lifton, Thought Reform and the Psychology of Totalism (1961), criterion 8

Peace & letting goI hear that it matters to you.Akkosa Sutta (SN 7.2); Sallatha Sutta (SN 36.6)

Repair when possibleI'd like us to be okay. That starts with how you talk to me, not with a verse.

Truth & teshuvahHonor is real. So is teshuvah. One comes before the other.Maimonides, Mishneh Torah, Hilchot Teshuvah 2:1; Exodus 20:12 / Leviticus 19:3; Bava Metzia 32a

Patience & kinshipI'm not cutting you off. I'm keeping my distance and my manners both.Qur'an 17:23-24; Qur'an 2:153

The calm fortressYou can quote it. What I do is still mine.Epictetus, Enchiridion 1; Epictetus, Enchiridion 5

Courtesy without surrenderI'll always be respectful with you. I'm still not doing this.Classic of Filial Piety (Xiao Jing), ch. 15 — Remonstrance; Xunzi; Analects 4:18

Dignity & evidenceHonor is earned in both directions. Show me the pattern and I'll believe it.reciprocity as a moral premise (no scripture by design)

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Comeback cards: cut along the dashes

They say: "Then you won't be seeing the kids."

The same moment answered in 10 different worldviews. The client keeps the one that sounds like them. Sources are the ones the app cites.

Protect me firstI'd love to see them. I'm still not changing my answer to get that.

Faith & graceI love those kids and I'll keep praying for them. I'm still saying no.

Shunned, not estrangedI'll be here for them whenever I'm allowed to be. My side of the door never closes.

Peace & letting goI love them, and I hope I see them. I'm not going to argue about it.Sallatha Sutta (SN 36.6)

Repair when possibleI want to be in their lives. I'm glad to talk about how, once we can do it without threats.

Truth & teshuvahI love them. I'd like us to settle this between us, not through them.Mishnah Yoma 8:9

Patience & kinshipThey're family, and I'll keep the tie with them however I can. My answer stays the same.

The calm fortressWhether I see them is partly up to you. How I answer isn't.Epictetus, Enchiridion 1

Courtesy without surrenderI'll always be respectful, and I'll always welcome them. I'm still not doing this.Analects 4:18; Classic of Filial Piety, ch. 15

Dignity & evidenceThe kids shouldn't be part of an argument. My door is open to them, always.

GreyRocked therapist kit. These pages are not therapy, not medical advice, and not a crisis service. In the US: call, text or chat 988, any time. In danger right now: call 911. Outside the US: findahelpline.com.

Comeback cards: cut along the dashes

They say: "A real parent would help their own kid."

The same moment answered in 10 different worldviews. The client keeps the one that sounds like them. Sources are the ones the app cites.

Protect me firstI love you. Helping you doesn't have to mean money.

Faith & graceI love you, and I'm praying for you. Loving you and saying no can both be true.

Shunned, not estrangedI'm still your parent, whatever you decide. My answer is the same.

Peace & letting goI hear how much you're hurting. I'm not going to argue about what kind of parent I am.Akkosa Sutta (SN 7.2)

Repair when possibleI want to help in ways that really help. I'm glad to talk about what that could be, calmly.

Truth & teshuvahWords like that hurt. I'm glad to talk when we can do it kindly.Bava Metzia 58b-59a

Patience & kinshipI'll always pray for you and ask after you. I can't do this one.

The calm fortressWhat kind of parent I am isn't decided by this. My answer is the same.Epictetus, Enchiridion 1

Courtesy without surrenderI'll always care for you as your parent. On this, my answer is the same.

Dignity & evidenceLook at what I've done for you over the years. That's the record I stand on.

GreyRocked therapist kit. These pages are not therapy, not medical advice, and not a crisis service. In the US: call, text or chat 988, any time. In danger right now: call 911. Outside the US: findahelpline.com.

Comeback cards: cut along the dashes

They say: "You're so selfish. You only ever think about yourself."

The same moment answered in 10 different worldviews. The client keeps the one that sounds like them. Sources are the ones the app cites.

Protect me firstYou can see it that way. My answer is the same.

Faith & graceI'm not perfect, and I'm trying to do right by both of us. I'm still saying no.

Shunned, not estrangedI'm sorry it looks that way from where you are. I know why I'm where I am.

Peace & letting goI hear that you're hurt. I'm not going to argue about who I am.Akkosa Sutta (SN 7.2)

Repair when possibleI'm not trying to hurt you. I'd like us to talk without names — that would help.

Truth & teshuvahWords like that hurt. I'm glad to talk when we can do it without them.Bava Metzia 58b-59a

Patience & kinshipI'll always speak kindly to you. I'm still not able to do this.Qur'an 17:23-24

The calm fortressThat's how you see me. I know what I'm doing and why.Epictetus, Enchiridion 1

Courtesy without surrenderI'm sorry this upsets you. I've been respectful, and I'll stay respectful.Classic of Filial Piety, ch. 15; Analects 4:18

Dignity & evidenceLook at what I've actually done over the years. I'm comfortable with that record.

GreyRocked therapist kit. These pages are not therapy, not medical advice, and not a crisis service. In the US: call, text or chat 988, any time. In danger right now: call 911. Outside the US: findahelpline.com.

Comeback cards: cut along the dashes

They go quiet: no reply at all, and the silence is the message.

The same moment answered in 10 different worldviews. The client keeps the one that sounds like them. Sources are the ones the app cites.

Protect me firstI'm not going to chase this.

Faith & graceI'm here. I'm not going to fill the quiet for you.

Shunned, not estrangedI'm not going to earn my way back.Lifton, Thought Reform (1961), criterion 8

Peace & letting goThe quiet is easier to carry than the argument was.Sallatha Sutta (SN 36.6)

Repair when possibleI'm here when you want to talk. The terms are the same.

Truth & teshuvahWaiting isn't the step. I'll be here when there is something to say.Maimonides, Hilchot Teshuvah 2:1

Patience & kinshipI'll keep greeting you. The quiet is yours to end.

The calm fortressI'll be here when you want to talk.Epictetus, Enchiridion 1

Courtesy without surrenderI'll continue exactly as I always have.Classic of Filial Piety, ch. 15

Dignity & evidenceSilence is information too.

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Comeback cards: cut along the dashes

They say: "Your sister agrees with me. Everyone thinks you're being cruel."

The same moment answered in 10 different worldviews. The client keeps the one that sounds like them. Sources are the ones the app cites.

Protect me firstThat's between you and them. My answer is the same.

Faith & graceThey're entitled to their view. It doesn't change mine.

Shunned, not estrangedThey were told the same thing you were.Lifton, Thought Reform (1961), criterion 2

Peace & letting goA crowd doesn't make it heavier. I'm still not picking it up.Akkosa Sutta (SN 7.2)

Repair when possibleI would rather talk with you than about you. The condition hasn't changed.

Truth & teshuvahOther people agreeing isn't the step that is missing.Mishnah Yoma 8:9

Patience & kinshipWhat the family says is theirs. What I owe is between me and my conscience.

The calm fortressOther people can think what they like. My answer is the same.Epictetus, Enchiridion 1

Courtesy without surrenderI'll show them the same respect I show you. My answer is unchanged.Classic of Filial Piety, ch. 15

Dignity & evidenceAgreement isn't evidence. What's the pattern?

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Comeback cards: cut along the dashes

They say: "I've told the whole family what kind of person you are."

The same moment answered in 10 different worldviews. The client keeps the one that sounds like them. Sources are the ones the app cites.

Protect me firstThat's your choice. I'm not going to argue about it with anyone.

Faith & graceI'm sorry it's come to this. I'll keep praying for all of us, and I won't be arguing it out in front of the family.

Shunned, not estrangedPeople can make up their own minds. I know what happened, and I'm at peace with it.

Peace & letting goI'm not going to argue about it. I hope you find some peace.Akkosa Sutta (SN 7.2)

Repair when possibleI'd rather talk to you than about you. If you want to sort this out, I'm here — just the two of us.

Truth & teshuvahSpeaking badly of someone to everyone is its own harm. When you want to talk to me directly, I'll listen.Bava Metzia 58b-59a

Patience & kinshipI'll keep speaking well of you. I'm leaving this with God.Qur'an 17:23-24

The calm fortressWhat people think of me was never in my control. My answer is the same.Epictetus, Enchiridion 1

Courtesy without surrenderI'll keep treating everyone with respect, you included. I won't be discussing this in front of the family.Classic of Filial Piety, ch. 15; Analects 4:18

Dignity & evidenceAnyone who wants to know what happened can ask me. I'm comfortable with the record.

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Comeback cards: cut along the dashes

They say: "It was a joke. You're so sensitive."

The same moment answered in 10 different worldviews. The client keeps the one that sounds like them. Sources are the ones the app cites.

Protect me firstMaybe. I'd still rather you left me out of the jokes.

Faith & graceMaybe I am. I'm still asking you to leave me out of them.

Shunned, not estrangedMaybe. It's still my call what I laugh along with.

Peace & letting goOkay. Let's leave it there.Sallatha Sutta (SN 36.6)

Repair when possibleMaybe. What would help us is fewer jokes about me.

Truth & teshuvahIt still hurt. Words count, even as jokes.Bava Metzia 58b-59a

Patience & kinshipMaybe. I'll keep being kind, and I'd ask the same.Qur'an 17:23-24

The calm fortressMaybe. I'm still not laughing along.Epictetus, Enchiridion 1

Courtesy without surrenderI don't mean to spoil anything. I'd just rather not be the joke.Analects 4:18

Dignity & evidenceIf it keeps landing on me, it's not really a joke. I'd like it to stop.

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Comeback cards: cut along the dashes

They say: "Fine. Then don't bother coming at all."

The same moment answered in 10 different worldviews. The client keeps the one that sounds like them. Sources are the ones the app cites.

Protect me firstOkay.

Faith & graceI would rather that weren't true. It's yours to decide.

Shunned, not estrangedYou have been given that choice before. I'll still be here if it changes.

Peace & letting goThat's yours to decide. I'm not going to chase it.Akkosa Sutta (SN 7.2)

Repair when possibleI hope you don't mean that. The door is open here, on the same terms as before.

Truth & teshuvahThat's a door you're closing. It stays open on this side.Maimonides, Hilchot Teshuvah 2:9

Patience & kinshipI'll still greet you. That doesn't change with your decision.

The calm fortressThat's yours to decide. Mine hasn't changed.Epictetus, Enchiridion 1

Courtesy without surrenderI'll keep every courtesy either way.Classic of Filial Piety, ch. 15

Dignity & evidenceThat's a threat, not a reason. It doesn't change what I saw.

GreyRocked therapist kit. These pages are not therapy, not medical advice, and not a crisis service. In the US: call, text or chat 988, any time. In danger right now: call 911. Outside the US: findahelpline.com.

Comeback cards: cut along the dashes

They say: "Why are you attacking me? I'm the one who is hurt here."

The same moment answered in 10 different worldviews. The client keeps the one that sounds like them. Sources are the ones the app cites.

Protect me firstI'm not attacking you, and I'm not going to argue about this.

Faith & graceI don't want to hurt you. I'm also not going to pretend this didn't happen.Luke 17:3

Shunned, not estrangedI'm not attacking you. You were told to stop speaking to me, and I'm allowed to say so.

Peace & letting goI don't want a fight. I'm not going to take this one up.Sallatha Sutta (SN 36.6)

Repair when possibleI'm not attacking you. I'm telling you the one thing that would need to be different.

Truth & teshuvahBeing hurt and having done harm can both be true. Only one of them has a next step.Maimonides, Hilchot Teshuvah 2:1; Bava Metzia 58b-59a

Patience & kinshipI haven't raised my voice or my hand. I'm simply not agreeing.Hadith Qudsi (Muslim 2577)

The calm fortressYou can call it an attack. I know what I said.Epictetus, Enchiridion 5

Courtesy without surrenderI've been respectful throughout. I still stand by what I said.Analects 4:18; Classic of Filial Piety, ch. 15

Dignity & evidenceLook at what was actually said, and by whom. That's the whole record.

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Comeback cards: cut along the dashes

They say: "What will people think? You're embarrassing this family."

The same moment answered in 10 different worldviews. The client keeps the one that sounds like them. Sources are the ones the app cites.

Protect me firstThat isn't mine to manage.

Faith & graceI would rather be honest than look right.

Shunned, not estrangedThey already know. They were told.Lifton, Thought Reform (1961), criterion 2

Peace & letting goOther people's opinions aren't mine to carry.Akkosa Sutta (SN 7.2)

Repair when possibleI'm not trying to embarrass anyone. The condition is the same in private.

Truth & teshuvahWhat was done matters more than how it looks.Mishnah Yoma 8:9; Bava Metzia 58b-59a

Patience & kinshipI keep my manners in public and my answer in private.

The calm fortressReputation was never mine to control.Epictetus, Enchiridion 1

Courtesy without surrenderThe forms are kept. Nothing is being shown to anyone.Analects 4:18; Classic of Filial Piety, ch. 15

Dignity & evidenceAppearances aren't a reason.

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Practice cards: cut along the dashes

For a session: you read the line in their voice, the client picks a reply and says it. There is no wrong answer here, and staying quiet counts too.

Practice 1

They say: "After everything I've done for you."

A. I'm grateful for what you did. It doesn't change my decision. (Protect me first)
B. I do remember it. I want us to be okay, and that starts with how you speak to me now. (Repair when possible)
C. You did those things. What I do now is still mine. (The calm fortress)

Which would you send, if any? Say it out loud. What might they say next?

Practice 2

They say: "Call me if you have the guts."

A. I'll stick to writing. (Protect me first)
B. I'm glad to talk when we can do it calmly. That's the only condition. (Repair when possible)
C. Call it what you like. I'll answer in writing. (The calm fortress)

Which would you send, if any? Say it out loud. What might they say next?

Practice 3

They say: "I'm sorry you feel that way. Can we move on now?"

A. Okay. I'm going to leave it there. (Protect me first)
B. That's a start. The specific thing is how you speak to me in front of others. (Repair when possible)
C. I've heard you. What happens next time is what I'll go by. (The calm fortress)

Which would you send, if any? Say it out loud. What might they say next?

Practice 4

They say: "You always find money for my brother or sister. I guess I'm not worth it."

A. I can hear that it feels unfair. It's still no on money from me. (Protect me first)
B. I want to hear what has felt unequal. Money is still something I can't do right now. (Repair when possible)
C. I understand how it looks to you. My choice about money is still mine to make. (The calm fortress)

Which would you send, if any? Say it out loud. What might they say next?

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Practice cards: cut along the dashes

Practice 5

They say: "They're so upset they can't even talk to you."

A. I'm sorry they're upset. They can talk to me themselves when they're ready. (Protect me first)
B. I'd like to talk with them. Directly, and calmly — that's what would help. (Repair when possible)
C. I'm sorry they feel that way. How they feel isn't something I can decide for them. (The calm fortress)

Which would you send, if any? Say it out loud. What might they say next?

Practice 6

They say: "Honor your father and mother. That's a commandment. You don't get to pick and choose."

A. Honor doesn't mean access. I'm not discussing this. (Protect me first)
B. I'd like us to be okay. That starts with how you talk to me, not with a verse. (Repair when possible)
C. You can quote it. What I do is still mine. (The calm fortress)

Which would you send, if any? Say it out loud. What might they say next?

Practice 7

They say: "Then you won't be seeing the kids."

A. I'd love to see them. I'm still not changing my answer to get that. (Protect me first)
B. I want to be in their lives. I'm glad to talk about how, once we can do it without threats. (Repair when possible)
C. Whether I see them is partly up to you. How I answer isn't. (The calm fortress)

Which would you send, if any? Say it out loud. What might they say next?

Practice 8

They say: "A real parent would help their own kid."

A. I love you. Helping you doesn't have to mean money. (Protect me first)
B. I want to help in ways that really help. I'm glad to talk about what that could be, calmly. (Repair when possible)
C. What kind of parent I am isn't decided by this. My answer is the same. (The calm fortress)

Which would you send, if any? Say it out loud. What might they say next?

GreyRocked therapist kit. These pages are not therapy, not medical advice, and not a crisis service. In the US: call, text or chat 988, any time. In danger right now: call 911. Outside the US: findahelpline.com.

Practice cards: cut along the dashes

Practice 9

They say: "You're so selfish. You only ever think about yourself."

A. You can see it that way. My answer is the same. (Protect me first)
B. I'm not trying to hurt you. I'd like us to talk without names — that would help. (Repair when possible)
C. That's how you see me. I know what I'm doing and why. (The calm fortress)

Which would you send, if any? Say it out loud. What might they say next?

Practice 10

They go quiet: no reply at all, and the silence is the message.

A. I'm not going to chase this. (Protect me first)
B. I'm here when you want to talk. The terms are the same. (Repair when possible)
C. I'll be here when you want to talk. (The calm fortress)

Which would you send, if any? Say it out loud. What might they say next?

Practice 11

They say: "Your sister agrees with me. Everyone thinks you're being cruel."

A. That's between you and them. My answer is the same. (Protect me first)
B. I would rather talk with you than about you. The condition hasn't changed. (Repair when possible)
C. Other people can think what they like. My answer is the same. (The calm fortress)

Which would you send, if any? Say it out loud. What might they say next?

Practice 12

They say: "I've told the whole family what kind of person you are."

A. That's your choice. I'm not going to argue about it with anyone. (Protect me first)
B. I'd rather talk to you than about you. If you want to sort this out, I'm here — just the two of us. (Repair when possible)
C. What people think of me was never in my control. My answer is the same. (The calm fortress)

Which would you send, if any? Say it out loud. What might they say next?

GreyRocked therapist kit. These pages are not therapy, not medical advice, and not a crisis service. In the US: call, text or chat 988, any time. In danger right now: call 911. Outside the US: findahelpline.com.

Practice cards: cut along the dashes

Practice 13

They say: "It was a joke. You're so sensitive."

A. Maybe. I'd still rather you left me out of the jokes. (Protect me first)
B. Maybe. What would help us is fewer jokes about me. (Repair when possible)
C. Maybe. I'm still not laughing along. (The calm fortress)

Which would you send, if any? Say it out loud. What might they say next?

Practice 14

They say: "Fine. Then don't bother coming at all."

A. Okay. (Protect me first)
B. I hope you don't mean that. The door is open here, on the same terms as before. (Repair when possible)
C. That's yours to decide. Mine hasn't changed. (The calm fortress)

Which would you send, if any? Say it out loud. What might they say next?

Practice 15

They say: "Why are you attacking me? I'm the one who is hurt here."

A. I'm not attacking you, and I'm not going to argue about this. (Protect me first)
B. I'm not attacking you. I'm telling you the one thing that would need to be different. (Repair when possible)
C. You can call it an attack. I know what I said. (The calm fortress)

Which would you send, if any? Say it out loud. What might they say next?

Practice 16

They say: "What will people think? You're embarrassing this family."

A. That isn't mine to manage. (Protect me first)
B. I'm not trying to embarrass anyone. The condition is the same in private. (Repair when possible)
C. Reputation was never mine to control. (The calm fortress)

Which would you send, if any? Say it out loud. What might they say next?

GreyRocked therapist kit. These pages are not therapy, not medical advice, and not a crisis service. In the US: call, text or chat 988, any time. In danger right now: call 911. Outside the US: findahelpline.com.