Grey rock method texting examples

Why grey rock works so well by text

"Grey rock" means being as dull as a grey rock when someone wants a reaction. By text, that is easier than in person: you choose when to answer, you can read your reply before you send it, and a short, calm text leaves nothing to fight about.

You are not trying to win. You are trying to stop the fight, and keep your peace.

The four rules of a grey rock text

• One line. If it needs scrolling, it is too long.
• No emoji, no "lol", no exclamation marks. They all read as feelings.
• No reasons. "I can't" is enough. Every "because" is something new to argue with.
• No questions back during a fight. A question asks for another text. On a calm day, "How are you?" is fine.

Grey rock texting examples

The guilt trip: "Must be nice to be too busy for your own mother." I hear you. Hope you're well.

The money ask: "Can you send $200? I'll pay you back this time." No, I can't.

Asking about your private life: "So what's going on with you and that guy? Still at the same job?" Things are good, thanks.

The bait: "You were always the difficult one. Everyone says so." Best answer: none. A text that asks nothing doesn't need a reply. If you feel you must send something: Okay.

The pressure: "Why are you ignoring me?? Answer me." I saw your messages. I'll reply when I can.

The 3am essay: twelve paragraphs about everything you've ever done wrong. You don't have to answer it at all. If you want to send something, the next day: I read your message. I'm not going to go through all of it. If one line in it is a real question, answer only that line.

The real question: "What time are you dropping off Grandma's casserole dish?" Saturday around 2. Grey rock is not the silent treatment. Real questions get short, real answers.

The deadline: "This is my last attempt to reach you." "Last attempt" can be pressure. It can also mean they might hurt themselves. If you can't tell, ask first: Are you safe right now? If you think they might be in danger, call or text 988 (US), or call 911 in an emergency. If it is clearly pressure: I got your message. I'm not ready to talk yet.

When they send five more

• You don't send five more. Send your one line again, or stop.
• You can mute the chat so the buzzing stops. You can still read it later, when you choose.
• Answer when you are ready. A few hours, or the next day, is fine. Not replying right away is not cruel.
• Read receipts: if they get angry when they see "Read", you can turn read receipts off in your phone's message settings.

Family group chats

A dig in the group chat is meant to have an audience. Don't argue in front of everyone. Say nothing, or one flat line, and move on:

"Some of us actually show up for this family." Hope it's a good day, everyone.

If something needs saying, say it to one person, in private, later.