How to deal with toxic family at the holidays

Before: decide whether to go

An invite is a question, not a court order. You are allowed to stay home from a dinner where people hurt you. If you are not going:

Thanks for the invite. I won't be able to make it.

No reason needed. Every reason you give is something to argue with. If they push: I've decided. I hope it's a nice day.

You can also go for part of it: dessert only, or one hour.

Before: a two-line plan

Decide now, so you don't have to decide in the moment. Write two lines:

• With them, I will... (for example: stay polite, keep it short, leave by 7)
• I won't... (for example: explain myself, laugh at the jokes, talk about money)

Then sort out the practical things:

• An end time, said out loud when you arrive: "I can stay until 7."
• Your own way home. Your own car, or money for a ride. Don't depend on them for a ride.
• One safe person you can text from the bathroom, at the table or not.
• Three lines ready for the things you already know they will say.

During: what to say at the table

The mean comment: "Still single? Your cousin just got engaged." Good for her. Can you pass the potatoes?

The "joke" at your expense, in front of everyone. Let's leave me out of the jokes, okay? Or say nothing. You don't have to laugh.

The guilt: "You never visit. Grandma cries about it." I'm here now. Let's enjoy it.

Digging into your life: "How much do you make now?" Things are fine. How's the garden?

Bringing up the old fight. I'm not getting into that today.

Someone who has been drinking starts a fight. Let's talk another day. Then step away. Don't argue with someone who is drinking.

Short, calm and a little boring is the whole idea. It's called the grey rock method: you are as dull as a grey rock, so there is nothing to react to. When it gets too much, step outside for a few minutes: take out the trash, walk the dog, get something from your car.

Leaving on time

When your end time comes, go. You don't need a reason or a vote.

Thanks for having me. I'm heading out.

If someone has been drinking and it starts to feel unsafe, leave early. That is not rude. That is your plan working. If you are in danger right now, call 911.

After, and staying safe

Don't argue about it by text that night. If the messages start ("Why did you leave so early?"), they can wait until tomorrow. Be kind to yourself: something easy to eat, something easy to watch.

If you are not safe with someone in your family, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. If anyone talks about hurting themselves, call or text 988 (US), any time. In danger right now: 911. Outside the US: findahelpline.com.

This page is not therapy or medical advice.