How to respond to a toxic mother-in-law

Step 1: Ask your partner for help

You should not have to handle this alone. Because she is your partner's mother, she often listens to them more than to you. Talk to your partner when you are both calm, not right after a visit:

• Name one or two things, not a list of everything she has ever done.
• Ask for one thing: "When she comments on how we raise the kids, I need you to say something."
• Agree on your shared lines ahead of time, so you sound like a team.

A simple rule many couples use: each person handles their own parents. Your partner handles their mom. You stay polite and short.

If your partner won't help

Many partners go quiet because they hate fighting with their mom. Ask for something small and easy first:

I'm not asking you to fight her. I'm asking you to tell her we decide how we raise our baby.

If they still won't, you can still protect your home on your own:

• Decide your own house rules, and say them once, kindly: "We like a call before visits."
• Keep your replies polite and short. You don't need anyone's permission to say no.
• Stay off the topics that always turn into a fight.
• If this is hurting your marriage, a couples counselor can help you both talk about it.

Step 2: Name what she is doing

• Criticism as "help": "I'm only saying this because I care."
• The mean "joke": an insult with a laugh, often in front of others.
• The guilt trip: making you feel bad so you do what she wants. "I guess I'll just never see my grandchildren."
• Complaining behind your back: calling your partner about you, or telling the rest of the family her side.
• Dropping in: showing up without asking, or making plans for your family without you.

When you can name it, it is easier to stay calm.

What to say: toxic mother-in-law examples

"Oh, you made it that way? My son always loved it the way I make it." I'm sure yours is lovely. This is how we like it.

"In my day, we never let babies sleep like that." Thanks. We're happy with how we do it. Say it again, the same way, as many times as she asks.

She ignores your rules for the baby (food, sleep, car seat). Please do it our way. These are our rules for the baby. This one matters. If she still won't, she doesn't look after the baby alone until she will. Ask your partner to back you on this.

The mean "joke" at dinner: "Well, at least one of you can cook!" You don't have to laugh, and you don't have to answer. A calm face is enough. Or, with a small smile: I'm still learning.

"I guess I'll just never see my grandchildren, then." We'd love you to see them. Sunday at 2 works for us. Offer a real day and time that works for you. Don't argue about the guilt.

The drop-in: she is at your door with no warning. Hi! Today isn't a good day. Let's plan something for the weekend. If she is already inside: It's nice of you to come. I have one hour today, and then we need to get on with our day.

"Why don't you ever come to family dinner? Everyone notices." We can't come this week. Have a good time.

"You've changed him. He was never like this before you." We're happy. I hope you can be happy for us. Then tell your partner what was said, word for word.

The grey rock way with an in-law

"Grey rock" means giving short, calm, boring answers when someone wants a reaction, like a plain grey stone. With a mother-in-law you will see for years, keep it polite. You are not trying to win. You are trying to give her nothing to argue with. More grey rock examples.

• Keep your news to yourself. "Things are good" covers your job, your money and your plans.
• Short visits are easier than long ones. Decide when you will leave before you arrive, and leave while things are still calm.
• If she texts, you don't have to answer fast. Grey rock texting examples.